If conflict seems to get us emotionally hooked, the next question is – how can we avoid the hooks so as to lead powerfully when hurt words are said, when hurtful actions are taken, when the shift of focus is now on us as leaders rather than the agenda that was so important?
One way is to keep listening and refocusing the “discussion” on the agenda. Listen longer, and when the other person(s) respond, ask follow up questions. The questions must be open ended, not sarcastic or rhetorical. Most often they are not questions that implicate the other. The questions can be more like this:
“What do you mean by…?”
“What would be the implications of …?”
“Help me understand …”
At times, we can take offense (get hooked) when the other person(s) is not giving offense. However, if the issue is what we think, the more information out on the table is actually to our advantage as leaders.
Avoiding the hooks is not easy. However, to lead we must find ways to continue the conversation from a leadership (organizational) perspective, and not be taken into detours and diversions. The best leaders work on this skill of listening longer and having the conversation “outside of their chest (outside of their self esteem).”