“I’m not tired!” said by a toddler as they are carried by a parent to bed. The child is unaware that they are beyond tired, tense and frustrated. This is typical of every child. It is not uncommon for adults either! Adults can be unaware of their emotions, unaware of their anger, not in touch with their frustration, hurt, defensiveness, insecurity, intensity.
Did you hear that? Adults can be unaware of their emotions! Hard to imagine, but this is actually true. Emotional Awareness can seem like a nice but unnecessary personal development goal. Nice if you have the time and resources – but necessary? And how can we be out of touch with our emotions? Who doesn’t know when they are defensive, insecure, angry?
Some experts highlight emotional awareness as THE key to leadership. Wait! Leadership in an organization? What about in the home? What about leading your family? Could it be that our EQ (Emotional Quotient) score can indicate what we might work on for our marriage? And if we can take positive steps in our homes, wouldn’t we naturally lead better in our other assignments? If we were aware of our insecurities and their effect upon our leadership, maybe we could take the proper steps so that the insecurity would be self acknowledged, but no longer in control. Amazing that once we identify what we are feeling we can then respond rather than react!
Knowing what we are feeling (hurt, frustration, insecurity, defensiveness, rejection, etc) is a HUGE STEP toward healthy responding to life and leadership.
So the magic question. How does a person develop this self awareness? It will take intentional work and will require reflection and the willingness to receive from others without reacting. One step might be to take an EQ or EI test. The test, if taken honestly, can identify our level of awareness. The real moments will be when we are with others and slowing down moments to ask internally, “Why am I frustrated? Why am I insecure? What am I feeling right now? Why do I feel like striking back?”
Another step is to non-defensively RECEIVE when others speak to us and highlight what they perceive as defensiveness, anger, frustration, etc. The typical response is to defend (yep, ironic) and reject. But what if we slowed down and received the words of another and then reflected about why they experienced that from us and what was going on inside of us? We can always make it about them. The learning moment is when we shift to internal reflection and make it about us! (What was I feeling? Why did they experience different than I thought I was feeling? Why was I defensive? What is at stake in me that I would be defensive?)
This is hard internal work… but it might be the best work you will ever do. Healthy people can be healthy leaders who can transform the world!