Do you want to talk or do you want to be heard? Those are different! When our hearts are full of fuel (anger, anxiety, etc), we often want to “get it off of our chest,” which means express it with the full fuel we are feeling. The problem with that is that the fuel (emotion) is so overwhelming that the listener will likely get the fuel but not the content. When we speak with overwhelming emotion we often want to be heard, but the emotion captures the ears of the listener so that they respond to the emotion (like being defensive, justifying, avoiding, etc).
If you want to be heard, then you must take the listener in mind. How can you express it with less “hooks” of emotion or language that will cause them to detour in their listening? Using lots of “you” words often stirs the listeners to look for ways to escape the accusation rather than focus on the problem. Being heard is a two way street but it begins with the speaker, who can at least control how they speak and thin down the fuel a bit so that the listener will not get sidetracked into the emotion and miss the point.
Leaders especially must learn this skill. We speak truth in love. We speak truth and we do it in love = with the listener in mind!
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be heard. It’s just that sometimes when we are so angry, so hurt, so frustrated, all we end up communicating is the what (He is mad), and not the why! Next time the emotions are flooding you or someone else, ask the question. Do you want to talk or do you want to be heard? Sure you want both, but the answer to the question determines how we speak.